Dutch “Coffeeshop” in (lack of) Global Franchise shock!! Mmm

 

 

When I read that Luxembourg has recently announced its intention to fully legalise cannabis (from production through to retail), thereby becoming the first country in Europe to do so, I couldn’t help but wonder if this might be the tipping point which starts the full legalisation ball (tumble-weed?) rolling out across the globe?

With Holland’s unique reputation in this sector, perhaps it’s also high time (groan) some eager, enterprising, Euro entrepreneur in Edam, Eindhoven or Ee (sic!) got ahead of the curve by taking advantage of the Dutch “coffeeshop” (wink, wink) global brand, to compete with existing, uh, stellar franchises? (Thinks: MoonDoe’s, Moondope, perhaps?)

I must admit I’ve never really bought into the all-consuming passion/ fashion for (regular) coffee-shop culture that swept across the planet this millennium. Sure, I get the concept: Pay far too much for exactly the coffee you want – skinny, fatty, flat, latte … whatever … add a trendy-sounding extra twist (pumpkin spice?) – and be fooled into thinking it’s really cool paying for something that you can make yourself for a quarter of the price, in the comfort of your own home.

Then, squeeze in alongside like-minded “coffee aficionados”, to a soundtrack of table-hogging tittering “OMG” teens, jabbering yummy mummies and a parade of poorly coifed posers; whilst critiquing the latest Instagram selfies of your family and friends with “funny” filters, as a substitute for proper conversation. Not to mention total strangers greeting you by name. JOHN!! (Grrrr- I said, not to mention…) – Wow! What fun to be had by all! – Excuse me if I take a global GDPR-like rain check!

Now, with 250 “coffeeshops” in Amsterdam alone, I’m hoping there’s maybe just one far-sighted Dutch coffeeshop owner who’ll take my suggestion and run with it, or at least saunter slowly into the future. I’m even willing to accept only a small % of the annual gross for providing the inspiration!  It’s also worth noting there are already plenty of cool sounding names out there that can easily compete with any fancy-schmancy regular coffee name trends.

For example, are “Christmas Brulee Latte”, “Salted Caramel”, or “Flat White with Cinnamon Spice” really any more enticing than “Turkish Delight”, “Cookies Kush” or “Full, Spicy, Dark Moroccan”? – (“I don’t seenk so”, he says, in best Dutch-English accent). There’s already the appeal of a variety of different ranges – weed, hash, joints – to compete with expresso, latte & mocha; special twists (pre-rolled) or regional name checks – Thai, Moroccan, African – to compete with the penchant for exclusivity or country name checks. In fact, anything that’s currently used to appeal to regular coffee shop goers can be replicated – including a wide selection of chocolate space cakes, brownies and muffins.

So, now that I’ve convinced the afore-mentioned budding entrepreneur that the Dutch “Coffeeshop” brand is THE next big wave in coffee culture, let me suggest a few additional rules that will enhance the experience for future customers:

.  Bearded hipsters and/or young ladies with an ink/piercing count which exceeds their IQ, will not be allowed to serve in MoonDoe’s! The afore-mentioned beards of hipsters will be used to mop floors and wipe tables; and the young tattoo-ed ladies will be employed to make expresso-machine-like ambient background noises (strumming catarrhs?) – MoonDoe’s pledge we will only employ staff who’re so laid back they’re incapable of giving accurate directions to tourists; and don’t really care if they serve you today, tomorrow, or next week, and certainly not before they can attest to the quality of each product personally.

. The regular coffee shop practice of asking for your Christian name when taking your order, then screaming it out full volume when it’s ready, will be replaced by an equally irritating but vastly more entertaining practice, based on appearance e.g. “Lady in dark glasses with the big nose & enormous ass!!” … “Old but still handsome man in shorts with grey-ish  stubble & tartan flat-cap!”. Alternatively, we may consider using your mother’s maiden name – groups of siblings to be numbered chronologically e.g. “Doyle # 2 – economy sized joint!”

. No groups of more than 3 teenagers will be allowed on the premises at any one time, unless they’re bound and gagged, or have proven proficiency in sign-language.

. Any show-off pseudo business types (M/F) posing behind their laptops whilst talking over-loudly to themselves in Jargonese, will be made to clean the toilets with their nice ties or silk scarves. Before being shown the door, their laptops & phones will be confiscated and donated to poor 3^rd world marijuana farms – CIAO!

. No product will be allowed to have any more than a 3-word descriptive name. Where this does not provide sufficient defining detail to ensure full customer-specific satisfaction, tough shit! Don’t be such a nerd.

. Last, but not least: All joints must be passed to the left-hand side within 20 seconds of inhalation. Failure to comply with any of these rules will result in a lifetime ban.

ENJOY!